Treatment
I feel weird even being in this thing especially since I'm not a patient. Can I really say I survived cancer when I've never had it though I've endured loved ones surviving, thriving through, and dying of cancer? I've been through things I could never have fathomed that I could survive and when my mother told me she had possible cancer masses I was terrified, "Not my mother, not an orphan, not now!" I thought. But because my mother needed me I stayed calm I blocked the storm of fear, rage, and hurt inside of me and told it to wait as I listened to my mother describe where the masses were. As I hung up I started loading on my computer thru web md about the different types of possible cancer my mother had and most I could deal with but when the word TERMINAL to one type of possible cancer showed up the storm inside broke wide open to fill my voice with sobs and my eyes a puffy waterfall, I was a child again and fear of being an orphan at an age when I am an adult new mother consumed me. When the discovery of my mother having cancer was thyroid, I looked it up and felt relieved. It can kill but not likely I can wait to cross that bridge when and if it comes but not now was the feeling I had. It was if the storm still raged but the winds were dying down and the rain was lightening from the heavy pour and thunder and lightning just punctuated the air every now and then instead of back to back. Then I found my youngest baby sister has cancer and I'm not as terrified because it is beatable and my mother and sister bear through anything together. I still have my moments of fear but they come in flashes only at my weakest moments when I cannot allow day to day things hide what I feel. However I have borne the worst life can ever offer and the only thing I could not bear is the repeat of the same or to leave loved ones behind should I ever get cancer. As a new mother I did fear that genetics could play a part and force me to leave my daughter an orphan but currently my biggest fear is to become an orphan myself and lose my sisters to boot. I know it's not likely, but fear has a way of gripping you by the throat and not letting go it'll allow you space to breathe, swallow, and think, it's always there to haunt you. In a way I think of cancer and fear as the same they go hand in hand and there is no escape from either even after recovery. I don't have cancer but I still wonder if you have to have it to survive the pain of loved ones who do.